interviews, everybody. I’d like to ask you to welcome our very first New Young Ones candidate, a very nice young man by the name of Joto![JOTO, an African-American boy around Bobby’s age, walks in. He seems full of energy, but a little bit cautious and intimidated by the interview and room full of strangers. He’s a bit ragged, wearing a Chicago Cubs t-shirt beneath a navy windbreaker, baggy jeans and white trainers. He moves with the limber grace of a spider monkey and collapses loosely into “the hot seat,” brushing a couple of the thick locks of hair from his face.
TANN: Well, Joto, would you please tell us a little bit about yourself?
JOTO: My name is Joto, I’m ten years old and I been in Cub Scouts a few years now, [he gives the two-finger salute; applause] so I got some camping experience. I got a lot of merit badges on my sash and a pocketknife. I get okay grades in school and I like gym class and science. Umm… I like goin’ swimming and rock climbing… what else do you want to know?
TANN: Well, Joto, I have all kinds of things I’d like to ask, but I’m sure our audience would rather hear our panelists’s questions than mine. So I’ll ask Hank to begin... Hank?
HANK: Okay, Tann. Hi, there, Joto, it’s nice to meet you. Here’s my question: if you were given a bow as your magic weapon, could you come up with five different ways of using it?
JOTO: I don’t know… I guess so. I mean, I guess you could shoot it if you got arrows or beat somebody over the head with it. Maybe throw it at somebody if you had to.
HANK: Hey, those are some pretty good answers, Joto. Now I’m gonna let my friend Diana ask you something.
DIANA: Thanks, Hank. By the way, Joto, those are some really cool dreds! [applause] Okay, suppose you found an amulet, inscribed “Property of Thragmar the Terrible,” that was glowing with an eerie green light on a pedestal in a creepy castle, what would you do?
JOTO: Probably leave it alone if somebody terrible owns it. I mean, I don’t want to get nobody mad at me and coming after me to get his stuff back. And why would I want to be in a creepy castle in the first place?
ERIC: You’re my kinda guy, Joto!
DIANA: I think he’s a little young for you, Eric. [laughter] Your turn, Bobby!
BOBBY: Thanks, Diana! Okay, Joto, suppose there was a bunch of orcs with spears chargin’ at ya, tryin’ to get the amulet? What wouldja do?
JOTO: What’s a orc?
BOBBY: These big green pig warriors who work for the bad guys, wear armor and carry swords and spears.
JOTO [big eyes]: Run like heck and get outta there!
BOBBY: Aw, don’t worry, kid, they’re not so bad. I bet you could take ’em. Okay, your go now, sis!
SHEILA: Thanks, Bobby. Joto, suppose it turned out that the amulet could either send you home, stop a dragon from destroying the creepy castle, or would make Thragmar the Terrible into the most powerful wizard in the Realm, what would you do?
JOTO: Then I’d get it away from him and use it to get home. If he’s ‘the terrible,’ don’t we want his castle gone?
SHEILA [laughing]: That makes sense to me! Thanks, Joto! It’s your question now, Eric!
ERIC: Okay, Joto, suppose this Trogdor guy shows up...
PRESTO: It’s Thragmar, Eric.
ERIC: ...whatever, and this guy says something like, “Ha-ha, my young friends, how would you like to be turned into white mice?” What kind of witty comeback would you come back with?
JOTO [staring blankly, uncomprehending]: Uh… You don’t got parents, you got two daddies and a chemistry set! [laughter]
ERIC: We-ell ... not too bad, kid, but you need to work on your delivery. Okay, Presto, it’s your turn and don’t bore my buddy Joto to death, okay?
PRESTO: Hi, Joto! Okay, now suppose that Thragmar the Terrible had been Dungeon Master in disguise all along what sort of moral do you think he would come up with?
JOTO: That don’t make no sense. He’s supposed to be our friend, but he’s messin’ with us like that? [laughter, applause]
ERIC: Huh, that’s what I’ve been saying for years! Now here’s a kid with a good head on his shoulders! [applause]
TANN: Well, Joto, I think those were some pretty good answers. I hope our audience enjoyed your interview, and good luck with the contest! And now, ladies and gentlemen, we’ll be back with our next interview, after this brief pause.
[Applause]
[Commercial Break]
KANE
TANN: Now please welcome our next candidate, Kane!
[KANE enters. He is about 5' 10" (1.78m), and lean, with a fighter’s natural grace of movement. He is dressed in a sharp black suit-jacket over a steel-blue T-shirt and black trousers; his long black hair is drawn back into a ponytail.]
TANN: Now, Kane, that’s short for something...
KANE: Yes, Kanejiro — but Kane sounds a lot cooler! [laughter]
TANN: It’s a little easier to pronounce, too! Kane, tell us a little about yourself.
KANE: Well, I’m seventeen, and a junior in high school. My ancestry is Japanese, as you can probably tell — I mean, there aren’t a lot of Swedes named Kanejiro [laughter] — and I take the Japanese traditions of striving and discipline very seriously.
TANN: What about having fun?
KANE: That’s something else I take very seriously. [laughter]
TANN: Well, I hope you’ll have some serious fun with the questions our panelists are going to ask you. And let’s begin with our leader. Hank, what would you like to ask Kane?
HANK: Hey there, Kane! Tell me, if you were given a piece of paper as your magic weapon, could you come up with five different ways of using it?
KANE: Oh, sure. You could use it to write on, of course...
HANK: Hey, I didn’t say you had anything to write with!
KANE: You could always come up with something for that, a burnt stick, blood on your finger if you had to...
HANK: OK, go on...
KANE: Uh, a fan if you were hot, a paper airplane if you had to throw something light — you could put it inside — or you could put a pin or something on the end and use it as a weapon, a placemat if you had to eat on the ground and you didn't want your food to get dirty, or, if it was big enough, you could use it to keep the weather off if it was raining!
HANK: Good job. Now I’ll hand you over to Diana.
KANE [fervently]: Thank YOU! [laughter]
DIANA [laughing]: OK, watch it, now! Kane, tell me, if you found a green-glowing amulet, engraved with “Property of Thragmar the Terrible,” on a pedestal in a spooky castle, what would you do?
KANE: To get it, you mean?
DIANA: I just said, “what would you do?”
KANE: Well, assuming the Dungeon Master hadn’t given us any instructions about it, I would assess whether we needed it, and it if was right for us to take it — and if both those things were true, I’d devise a plan to get it.
DIANA: How?
KANE: I’d have to see the situation first. “‘Wisdom’ written in the dark spells ‘foolishness’” — or in other words, “Look before you leap.”
DIANA [laughing]: Fair enough. I don’t know if Bobby will agree though. Bobby?
BOBBY: Hey, I ALWAYS look before I leap! I just always leap after I’ve looked. [laughter] So, Kane — what if there was a bunch of orcs with spears comin’ at ya to take the amulet? What would you do?
KANE: I guess, Bobby, I’d just have to beat ’em down!
BOBBY: ALL RIGHT! That’s all I have to hear! Your turn, Sheila!
SHEILA: Okay, Bobby. Kane, if the amulet could either send you home, stop a dragon from destroying the creepy castle, or would make Thragmar the Terrible into the most powerful wizard in the Realm, what would you do with it?
KANE: Well, again, Sheila, I’d have to know a little more before making my decision — though I will say that if the amulet truly belonged to Thragmar, if he had not stolen it, or hurt anyone in order to make it, I’d probably say I’d have to give it back to him — though I’d really want to use it to go home.
SHEILA: I understand!
ERIC: Yeah, well, I don’t! If I had a shot at going home, I’d take it like a ... like a ...uh, like a shot. Anyway, Kane, ol’ pal, suppose this wizard Ingmar...
PRESTO: THRAGMAR...
ERIC: What-EVER! Suppose this wizard does show up and says, “Ha-ha, how would you like to be turned into white mice?” What would you come back with?
KANE: I’d say “You don’t want to get these white mice steamed.”
ERIC: Ha-ha. “Steamed white mice.” By the way, Letterman asked me to tell you to stop calling him. [laughter] Presto!
PRESTO: Okay, Kane, now suppose that Thragmar the Terrible had been Dungeon Master in disguise all along — what sort of moral would he give you?
KANE: Hmmm... “Darkness is found even at the foot of the lighthouse.”
PRESTO: Huh? What does that mean?
KANE: It means that we can make mistakes even about the things we understand the best.
ERIC: It means someone has escaped from his job at the fortune cookie factory. [laughter] Tann, take him away!
TANN: Okay, okay, Eric. Kane, I personally thought you did pretty well. I hope our audience agrees. Anyway, best of luck with the contest! [applause; KANE exits.] Well, ladies and gentlemen, now that Eric has escaped from the garden of Zen, as soon as our next candidate is ready, we’ll be right back. [applause]
[Commercial Break]
CARTER
TANN: Now please welcome our next candidate, Carter!
[CARTER lopes in. He is a lean boy of average height (5’ 10") 1.78m), with light brown hair hanging down over in a forelock over light brown eyes. He is wearing a pair of boots, a fawn-colored shirt and blue jeans (with a kerchief in the back pocket), and a dark brown leather jacket; he holds a “Braves” cap in his hand throughout the interview.]
CARTER [waving at audience]: Hey, y’all! Thank you, Mr. Tannhoyzeh, [He shakes TANN’s hand] for askin’ me onto the show.
TANN: Thank you for coming, Carter — and call me “Tann”; everyone does.
CARTER Thank you, sir.
TANN: No, no, thank you! Now, before we turn into Chip ’n’ Dale -
CARTER: ’Scuse me, sir — you mean “Mack ’n’ Tosh.”
TANN: I beg your pardon?
CARTER: “Mack ’n’ Tosh, the Gopher Twins” — they were the ones that were always bowin’ and thankin’ each other. They were the Warner Brothers’ answer to Disney’s “Chip ’n’ Dale,” but Chip ’n’ Dale were never so polite to each other.
TANN [blankly]: Well, that’s very ... informative. [Laughter] But I’m sure our audience would rather hear about you than about cartoons.
CARTER: Oh, I don’t know ’bout that, sir. I’m just a typical sixteen year old good ol’ boy. I guess I got a lotta hobbies —
TANN: Like cartoons?
CARTER: Yes, sir, and rock-climbin’, and tellin’ jokes, and what they call “Surrealist Art”, and medieval warfare and law, and cooking -
TANN: Carter, that’s not “a lotta hobbies” — that’s “a WHOLE lotta hobbies.” I think I’d better hand you on to Hank, or our time will run out before you reach the end of your list. Hank?
HANK: Thanks, Tann. Okay, Carter, here’s my question. Suppose you were given a torch as your weapon of power — can you come up with five ways you could use it?
CARTER: Well ... that’s an easy one. I could use it as a light in a dungeon, or to start a campfire, or as a signal to someone way off, or to cook food on, or to dry my socks if they got wet.
HANK: And how about as a weapon?
CARTER: I’d prefer not to have to — but if I did, the way to do it would be pretty obvious, wouldn’t it?
HANK: Yeah, that’s true — I like the way you think, Carter.
CARTER: Thank you, sir. I kinda like it, too.
HANK: Diana?
DIANA: Thank you, Hank. Okay, Carter, now suppose you’re in an eerie old castle, and you find a pedestal with a green-glowing amulet on it. The amulet is inscribed “Property of Thragmar the Terrible” — what do you do?
CARTER: Hmmm ... to be honest, it’s hard to say what I’d do, ’thout knowin’ a little more. I mean, the thing might be a real magic item, or it might be cussed, or it might be a trap — it might be all kinda things! It don’t really seem likely that this Thragmar fella would leave somethin’ valuable just sittin’ out. I
think I’d try to use an arrow or a pole or such to set off any traps from a distance, and then I’d go ahead and take it. I guess the Dungeon Master would know what was best to do with it.
DIANA: That makes sense.
CARTER: Yes’m, I’d like to hope so.
DIANA: Bobby?
BOBBY: Hey, Carter! Okay, Carter, if you took the amulet, what wouldja do if there was a bunch of orcs with spears chargin’ at ya, tryin’ to take it from you?
CARTER: Well, I’d prolly just take it and run like a rabbit with a pocketful of yellow jackets.
BOBBY: Aw, c’mon!
CARTER: Sorry, son, but my momma didn’t raise no children to be a pig-man’s pin-cushion.
BOBBY: Well, it seems kinda wimpy to me.
SHEILA [shocked]: Bobby! How can you be so rude! I’m sorry, Carter, he knows better than that.
CARTER: Well, I can see his point. It does seem wimpy — but I think it’s sense.
SHEILA Okay, then — if you found out that the amulet could either make Thragmar the Terrible into the most powerful wizard in the Realm, stop a dragon from destroying the creepy castle, or would send you home, what would you do?
CARTER: Well, seems to me it’d be my duty as well as my pleasure to use it to go home. Mr. Thragmar will just have to learn to deal with bein’ a terrible wizard.
SHEILA: And the castle?
CARTER: Well, seems to me that castles in the Realm are pretty much built just exactly to be knocked over.
ERIC: Yeah, especially if they have a portal home that we were just about to enter!
CARTER: Sir, you shouldn’t ought to interrupt a lady before she’s finished.
SHEILA: That’s okay, Carter, I’m done. But thank you!
CARTER: Thank you, ma’am.
ERIC: OK, Carter — suppose this Throckmorton shows up...
PRESTO: Thragmar...
ERIC: ...Thragmarten — and says, “Ho-ho, my young intruders, how would you like to be turned into white mice?” What is you hilarious impromptu reply?
CARTER: “I prefer the term ‘Mouse of the South.’”
ERIC: I prefer the term “something funny.” [Laughter] Presto, suppose you ask Rhett Butler here your question, so we can Robert-E.-Leave?
SHEILA: E-Ric!
DIANA: Don’t mind him, Carter! He’s an UN-Civil Warrior. [Laughter]
PRESTO: Well, anyway, Carter, what if Thragmar the Terrible had been Dungeon Master in disguise all along — what sort of moral do you think he would come up with?
CARTER: Hmmm ... I can’t see Dungeon Master doin’ somethin’ like that at all. It’s a mighty low trick to pull on someone that trusts you. The only lessons I can see are either that you can’t trust Dungeon Master — or, like in the garden of Zinn, it idn’t DM at all.
ERIC: I keep saying that we were crazy ever to trust DM.
PRESTO: Yeah, Eric, that’s why we keep on doing it. [Laughter] Huh, maybe I didn’t come up with a very good question!
CARTER: Well, I reckon it’s a question that makes you think — that’s always a good thing.
PRESTO: Yeah, thanks, Carter. I guess it’s the one I have to ask, anyway — it wouldn’t be fair to change it now.
TANN: What we will be changing right now is to a break. Good bye, Carter, and good luck in the contest!
CARTER: Thank you, sir. Bye, y’all! [Waving, CARTER exits.]
TANN: We’ll be right back with our next candidate!
ERIC: Well, another chance to get outta here just went south!
[Laughter, applause.]
[Commercial break.]
GERTRUDE
TANN: Our next candidate is a little girl named Gertrude —
[TRUDY, a stout little girl in blue-jeans overalls and a red-and-white T-shirt, with fiery red braids/pig-tails, round-faced, freckled, and blue-eyed, rushes in, yelling at the top of her lungs.]
TRUDY: It’s TRUDY! TRU-DEE!
TANN: Well, I ... uh ... I didn’t mean to —
TRUDY [folding her arms and stamping]: I am NOT ‘Gruesome Gertrude!’ [Laughter]
TANN [soothingly]: No, no, no, of course not, Trudy, of course, Trudy.
HANK [grinning]: Need a little help there, Tann?
TANN [faintly]: Please ...
HANK: Hey, there, Trudy, my name’s Hank, and my friends and I want to ask you some questions, okay?
TRUDY [suddenly coy]: You can! I like you — but [jerking her head at TANN] I don’t like HIM! [Laughter]
HANK: Aw, Tann’s not such a bad guy — [quickly, as TRUDY’S face starts to redden] but okay, I’ll ask his question. How old are you, and what would you like to tell us about yourself?
TRUDY: That’s TWO questions. My name is Trudy, and I’m nine years old; I’m in fifth grade and I killed a rattlesnake once by throwing rocks at it. Then I chopped its head off with a shovel. [Nervous laughter from the audience.]
HANK: That was ... very ... Well, okay, let’s say that you got a shovel as a magic weapon in the Realm. Can you tell me five things you could do with it?
TRUDY: Ummm ... I could hit monsters over the head with it. Then I could dig graves for all their dead bodies.
HANK: Uh, how about something a little more peaceful?
TRUDY: I could dig for buried treasure that pirates had hidden, and killed somebody to watch over, and I’d find their white bleached bones...
HANK [hastily]: Okay, buried treasure, that’s three ...
TRUDY: ... and I could plant a tree with it. And if it was magic, I could sit on it and fly!
HANK: Well, Trudy, those were some very original answers. I can’t wait to hear how you answer everyone else’s questions. Diana?
DIANA: Okay, now Trudy, if you found an amulet — that’s like a magic pendant — inside a spooky old castle and it was glowing with a creepy green light, and on it was written “Property of Thragmar the Terrible,” what would you do?
TRUDY: I’d take it.
DIANA: You’d take it and do what with it?
TRUDY: I don’t know, but I don’t want any terrible guys having magic.
DIANA: Well, that makes sense, I guess. Bobby, your turn!
BOBBY: Hey, Trudy! Okay, Trudy, you just took the amulet. Now what wouldja do if there was a bunch of orcs with spears chargin’ at ya, tryin’ to take it from you?
TRUDY: Are orcs the bad guys?
BOBBY: Yeah, they’re these big ugly green guys with pig faces.
TRUDY: Then I’d hit them with my shovel. Then I’d bury the magic necklace so they couldn’t find it.
BOBBY: Yeah, I guess that would work. Okay, Sheila?
SHEILA: Okay, Bobby. Trudy, suppose it turned out that the amulet could either make Thragmar the Terrible into the most powerful wizard in the Realm, stop a dragon from destroying the creepy castle, or would send you home, what would you do?
TRUDY: I’d go home.
SHEILA: But what about the ...
TRUDY [stamping]: I’D GO HOME!
SHEILA: You know, Trudy, you really shouldn’t yell and stamp like that, especially when people are trying to be nice to you.
TRUDY [suddenly tearing up]: I’m s-sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt people’s feelings. It just happens! [Laughter]
SHEILA: Now, now — you don’t need to cry. Just try not to yell, okay?
TRUDY: Okay, I promise!
SHEILA: Okay, Eric’s going to ask you a question now. Eric?
ERIC: Okay, Little Miss Blitzkrieg, what if this wizard Anthrax —
PRESTO: THRAGMAR, Eric!
TRUDY [as if reciting a lesson repeated countless times]: You should never, ever interrupt people — it’s very rude!
ERIC: Thank, you Trudy! I’m glad to see that someone has manners around here! — Anyway, say this wizard shows up and says, “Ha-ha-ha, young adventurers, how would you like to be turned into white mice?” What smart thing would you say back to him?
TRUDY: I’d say, “How would you like to be with a shovel, Mr. Mouse-face!” — and then I’d do it!
ERIC [after a moment]: Well, I think that’s an excellent answer! Really very ... good! [TRUDY beams.] And now, my rude friend Presto is going to ask you a question. Try not to let him upset you, okay, Trudy?
TRUDY: Okay, I won’t!
PRESTO: Hey, I’m not rude! I promise I’m not! Okay, uh, Trudy, would you please tell me, if you want to, uh, what you would think would be
the lesson if Thragmar the Terrible turned out to have been Dungeon Master all along?
TRUDY: Ohhhhhhhhh! [Looks thoughtful.] I guess ... I guess he’d be trying to show us that even when it seems like he’s doing something to punish us, he really is trying to teach us a lesson.
PRESTO: Well, what lesson?
TRUDY: THAT’S the lesson. That when it seems like he’s being mean to us, he’s really trying to help us grow up good.
PRESTO [after a moment]: Y’know, I really think that’s a pretty good answer. Thanks, Trudy.
TRUDY: Thank you, Presto.
TANN: And now ...
TRUDY: Mr. Tann?
TANN [warily]: Yes, uh, Trudy?
TRUDY: I wanted to tell you, I’m sorry I said I didn’t like you. I was rude, and I’m sorry.
TANN [blushing]: Oh, ah, well, that’s ... that’s okay, Trudy. I’m sorry I got your name wrong. Good-bye for now, and good luck in the contest!
TRUDY: Thanks! Bye! [Applause]
TANN: And now we will take a short break, ladies and gentlemen, while I go and familiarize myself with the pronunciation of the rest of our candidates’ names!
[Applause]
[Commercial Break]
EVE
TANN: Please welcome our next candidate, Eve!
[EVE walks in dressed in baggy blue jeans (cut off at the knees), a black skull and crossbones T-shirt, and scruffy old trainers. Her hair is tied back in a topknot.]
TANN: Well, Eve, would you please tell us a little bit about yourself?
EVE: Well, my name is Eve, I’m sixteen years old and, well, I’d like to think of myself as loyal to my friends and stubborn as a mule. [Laughter, applause]
TANN: Well, heh, I hope you won’t be too stubborn to answer our panelists’ questions! Hank?
HANK: Hello, there Eve! Eve, if you were given a knife as your magic weapon, could you come up with five different ways of using it?
EVE: A knife? Well, as a weapon obviously. Um ... it could be used for hunting too — gotta eat ya know — cutting wood, is that actually possible with a dagger? Oh man, I can’t think of anything else! I haven’t exactly had a lot of experience with knives, sorry, you guys.
HANK: Well, that’s okay. I know these questions are pretty hard to answer in front of all these people, right off the top of your head. Diana?
DIANA: Hello, Eve, and welcome to the contest! Now, what would you do, supposing you found an amulet, inscribed “Property of Thragmar the Terrible,” that was glowing with an eerie green light on a pedestal in a creepy castle?
EVE: It belongs to some guy who calls himself Thragmar the Terrible and its glowing GREEN!? Ain’t no way I’d keep something like that, I’d get rid of it as soon as possible!
DIANA: I hear that! Okay, Bobby, your turn!
BOBBY: Thanks, Diana! Okay, Eve, what if there was a bunch of orcs with spears chargin’ at ya, tryin’ to get the amulet? What wouldja do then?
EVE: Hmm, something tells me they’d probably want to use it for evil and not an attractive piece of jewelry. I’d do everything in my power to prevent them from getting the amulet.
BOBBY: Yeah, you’re probably right! Okay, your go, Sheila.
SHEILA: Thanks, Bobby. Eve, if it turned out that the amulet could either send you home, stop a dragon from destroying the creepy castle, or would make Thragmar the Terrible into the most powerful wizard in the Realm, what would you do?
EVE: Well Thragmar the Terrible being totally powerful is out of the question. But the other two options are kinda hard to choose from ... um ... I’d use the amulet to send my friends home, then I’d try and stop the dragon myself.
SHEILA: That’s a good answer! Okay, Eric, your turn.
ERIC: OK, Eve — suppose this Thongor guy shows up...
PRESTO: AHEM.
ERIC: Something caught in your throat, Presto? To resume, this guy shows up and says, “Ha-ha-ha, you young whippersnappers, how would you like to be turned into white mice?” What kind of devastating reply do you shut him up with?
EVE: Uh... how about “No thanks, I don’t like cheese”? Heh, [blushes] witty comebacks aren’t my strong point.
ERIC: Don’t worry, compared to some of the ones we’ve been hearing...
PRESTO: E-Ric! Hi, Eve! Don’t worry, I think you’re doing fine! Okay, now suppose that Thragmar the Terrible had been Dungeon Master in disguise all along — what sort of moral do you think he would come up with?
EVE: Appearances aren’t always what they seem; just because some look like they’re evil and acts like it, doesn’t mean they really are.
PRESTO: Okay, good! Thanks, Eve!
TANN: Well, now, I have to act evil, and send us off to a break.
Good-bye, Eve, and good luck in the contest! [Applause] We’ll be right back!
[Applause]
[Commercial break]
CECILIA
TANN: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, and please welcome our next candidate!
[CECILIA enters. She is about 5' 2" (1.57m) in height and with a rather petite figure. She has red hair that hangs just above her shoulders, green eyes, and is wearing ripped blue jeans and jeans jacket, with a black “Feathers McGraw” T-shirt underneath, and sandals.]
CECILIA [waving]: Hi, I’m Cecilia.
TANN: Hello, there, Cecilia! Would you like to let our audience know a little bit about yourself?
CECILIA: Well, I’m thirteen years old. Most people think of me as a bit of a tomboy. I do like to have fun and a bit of mischief, so I guess they’re sorta right.
TANN: Well, I don’t think anyone objects to a girl having a bit of high spirits. I frequently get high on spirits myself. [Groans from the audience.] Hank, I think you’d better ask your question quick, before they start throwing things.
ERIC: They’ll have to beat me to it, Tann! [Laughter.]
HANK: Hi, Cecilia!
CECILIA: Hullo, Hank!
HANK: Cecilia, if you were given a whip as your magic weapon, could you come up with five different ways of using it?
CECILIA: Hmm, well I think it would be rather cool if I could have it wrap around someone and give them a bit of a shock! I could use it to swing across ravines or out of danger, trip up people or scary creatures. I could also use it to throw things and finally — I would use it to fish, hee hee!
ERIC: Oh, you mean after you use it to give a bit of a shock, you’d use it to get a bit of a shark? [Laughter, Boos.] Hey, I thought that joke was pretty “finny”! [Loud groans and catcalls.]
DIANA: And I think you’d better “scale” back, Eric. [Laughter.] Okay, Cecilia, if you entered a creepy castle and there on a pedestal you found an amulet, inscribed “Property of Thragmar the Terrible,” that was glowing with an eerie green light, what would you do?
CECILIA: I’d nick it! Anything that would be worth something to Thragmar could only mean trouble if he had it.
DIANA: Sounds like you’ve had trouble with Thragmar before! Well, obviously you know how to handle him — so now let’s see how you handle Bobby.
BOBBY: Thanks, Diana! Okay, Cecilia, if you saw a bunch of orcs with spears chargin’ at ya, and they were tryin’ to get the amulet, what wouldja do?
CECILIA: I would wait until they were nearly on me, then I’d coil my whip around their feet to make them stumble and fall over. Orcs are so clumsy!
BOBBY: Yeah, they’re just a bunch of big green klutzes. Okay, Sheila, your turn!
SHEILA: Thanks, Bobby. Cecilia, suppose that the glowy green amulet could either send you home, stop a dragon from destroying the creepy castle, or make Thragmar the Terrible into the most powerful wizard in the Realm, what would you do with it?
CECILIA: That’s an easy one! I would use it to stop the dragon, of course. There’s no way would I let that creep Thragmar become the most powerful wizard whilst I’m around!
SHEILA [laughing]: Boy, you sure have it in for Thragmar, Cecilia! Okay, here’s Eric, with his question.
ERIC: Okay, Cecilia — suppose this Troglodyte shows up... [He glances over at PRESTO, who is sitting with his mouth clamped shut and his cheeks burning; ERIC continues with a smirk.] ... and says, “Hee hee, my young fools, how would you like to be turned into white mice?” What kind of witty wisecrack would you come back at him with?
CECILIA: Well, I would come back with “No thanks, mate, I’m not fond of cheese!”
ERIC: I “cheddar” to think how that would “gouda”-own with him.
PRESTO [instantly]: Oh, I think it would go like the “bries”! [Cheers, laughter, thunderous applause.] Hi, Cecilia!
CECILIA: Hi, Presto!
PRESTO: Okay, now just suppose that Thragmar the Terrible had been Dungeon Master in disguise all along — what sort of moral do you think he would want you to learn from all this?
CECILIA: For a start, that would be really weird, but I think his moral would be “Even if you think you know someone, you might be horribly wrong,” or summat like that.
ERIC: “Summat”? What the heck is “summat”?
PRESTO: That’s English for “something,” Eric.
ERIC [suspiciously]: Then what language is “something”?
PRESTO: Well, it’s — it’s, uhhhh ... well, you see, it’s... [He stops, puzzled.]
TANN: I think while Presto wrestles with linguistics, I’ll be seeing our guest out. Good-bye, Cecilia, and good luck with the contest!
CECILIA: Thanks, cutie, hee hee!
TANN [taken aback, blushing and running a finger around his collar]: Oh, ah, well ... thanks! Well, ladies and gentlemen, while I take a moment to recover my composure, we’ll leave you for this break!
[Applause.]
[Commercial break.]
PETER
TANN: Welcome back, everyone! I ask you now please to welcome our next candidate, Peter!
[PETER enters, a very husky boy with bowl-cut straw-blond hair, blue-gray eyes, a rather big nose, and a pleasant though somewhat embarrassed smile. He is wearing a New Orleans Saints pullover fleece, black jeans, and sneakers.]
PETER: Hello, everybody. Hello, Tann.
TANN: Hello, there, Peter. Why don’t you tell our audience something about yourself?
PETER: Well, um, I dunno. I’m not anyone specially interesting. [He laughs ruefully] Last Saturday Father Fitzpatrick told me I make the most boring confessions he’s ever heard from a boy of seventeen. [Laughter.] I guess the big thing is that our football team —
TANN: — on which you are a tackle, I think?
PETER: Yessir, that’s right — we went to State this season. I wish you could have seen the pass our quarterback made in the championship game, it was sweet—
TANN [distinctly not interested in football]: I’m sure we’d all be very interested to hear about it, but with the constraints of time...
PETER [taking the hint]: Yes, sir...
TANN: ...so I’ll just hand you over to Hank for his question. Hank?
HANK: All right, Tann. Hey, Pete, I’d sure like to hear about that game after the show!
PETER [beaming]: Sure!
HANK: Right now, let me ask you — if you were given a pole as your magic weapon, could you come up with five different ways of using it?
PETER: Well, ummmm ... I guess you could use it to, like, pole-vault over things, like walls or ditches or whatever. Then ... you could use it as a club, I guess. Or you could use it as a flag-pole, and signal somebody with it. And then, uhhhh ... you could use it to reach things that were way out of reach, like if you were locked in a cell and had to get the key-ring. Oh! and I guess you could sharpen it at the end, and use it as a lance or spear. That’s five, isn’t it?
HANK [laughing]: Yeah, that’s five. Okay, it’s Diana’s turn now. Diana?
DIANA: Thanks, Hank. OK, Peter, what if you went into this spooky old castle, and there on a pedestal you found an amulet, glowing with an eerie green light, that was inscribed “Property of Thragmar the Terrible,” what would you do?
PETER: Ummm ... what do you mean, do? Is it really Thragmar’s amulet?
DIANA: Well — as far as you know. But...
PETER: Well, if it’s Thragmar’s amulet, I couldn’t do anything with it. It wouldn’t belong to me.
DIANA: But Thragmar “the Terrible”? What if he was going to use it to take over the Realm?
PETER [stubbornly]: I could try to stop him — but not by stealing what’s really his.stuff. [Getting a bit excited.] Just because someone else is evil doesn’t give us the right to be evil, too!
TANN [intervening]: I think, again in the interests of time, that it would be best for Bobby to ask his question now. Bobby?
BOBBY: Okay, Pete, suppose a bunch of orcs with spears came chargin’ at ya, trying to steal the amulet —
PETER: Well, I’d have to knock a few heads together to defend it, I suppose.
BOBBY: I thought you weren’t gonna take the amulet?
PETER: Of course not. I’d be defending it for Thragmar.
BOBBY: But he’s EVIL!
PETER [bewildered; it’s all so simple and clear-cut to him]: But it’s HIS!
SHEILA: I’d better take over now, Bobby. Peter, suppose it turned out that the amulet could either send you home, stop a dragon from destroying the creepy castle, or would make Thragmar the Terrible into the most powerful wizard in the Realm, what would you do?
PETER [deeply distressed]: Look, I’m sorry. I don’t understand — you guys just seem to be asking the same question over and over. I really can’t say anything different, cross my heart, so help me God.
SHEILA [blushing dreadfully]: Oh, that’s okay, Peter ... I mean, that’s good ... not too many people nowadays are ... [She gives it up.] Eric!
ERIC: OK, Saint Peter, this next one isn’t about any deep moral questions. Suppose this Turu the Terrible guy shows up...
PETER: Isn’t it “Thragmar the Terrible”?
PRESTO [triumphantly]: HA!
ERIC: ...Whatever — and says, “Ho-ho, my young friends, how would you like to be turned into white mice?” What would your snappy comeback be?
PETER: Ummmm ... “You’re gonna need a bigger trap”?
ERIC: More like, “You’re gonna need a bigger joke.” [Laughter] You should have confessed that line as one of your sins.
HANK [drily]: He probably did, Eric — that’s why he got you as his penance. [Laughter] Presto, why don’t you go ahead and ask your question?
PRESTO: Okay, Hank. Hi, Peter!
PETER: Hi, Presto!
PRESTO: Okay, suppose that Thragmar the Terrible had been Dungeon Master in disguise all along — what would the moral be?
PETER: Well, uh ... wouldn’t it be like what I’ve been saying? That it doesn’t matter whether your opponent is good or evil — all that really matters in the end is that you’ve done your duty and behaved honorably doing it.
TANN [with a refined smirk]: Ah, “Fiat justitia et pereat mundus,” eh, young man? Well, that is certainly one point of view. I trust our fans will do justice to you in our contest. Goodbye, and best of luck! And now, folks, we’ll be right back after this brief pause with our next contestant!
[Applause.]
[Commercial break.]
COLLIN
TANN: Would our audience please welcome our next candidate, Collin!
[COLLIN walks in and give the a big thumbs-up to the audience’s cheering. He is about 5’6" (1.68m), with reddish-brown hair hair that seems to defy attempts to tame it, and dark hazel eyes. He is stocky like a wrestler, and wearing his school’s letterman’s jacket over jeans and a wrestling team T-shirt.]
COLLIN: Hey, dude! This is so cool. Thanks for letting me be here! [High-fives TANN]
TANN: OW! [rubbing hand] Nice ... uh ... manual ... strength, there. Okay, Collin, tell us a little bit about yourself!
COLLIN: Well, like you said, my name’s Collin, I’m 16, and I go out for several sports in school, like wrestling and track and stuff, and in the summer I compete in the Junior Class Highland Games, ’cause my grandparents were from Scotland and we’re pretty proud of that. I think the best rule for getting through life is, ‘Hit hard, hit fast, and take ’em down.’ At least, that was good enough to get me into the state wrestling championships. [Grins]
TANN: Well, now our friend Hank will hit you hard and fast with a question. Take ’im down, Hank!
HANK [laughing]: Okay, Tann, I think he can take it. Collin, if you were given a rock as your magic weapon, could you come up with five different ways of using it?
COLLIN: Well, sure, the first thing you could do is throw it and hit someone on the head with it. Then, well, let’s see. You can chip off pieces and use them to make arrowheads and knife blades. Um... You could use it as a magnet to pull everyone else’s weapons out of their hands, um... it could explode on impact or burst into flames like a hand grenade, KA-BOOM! And then...
HANK: Wait, wait a minute, all this from a rock?
COLLIN: You said it was my magic weapon, right?
HANK: Uh, well, yeah.
COLLIN: But you didn’t say what kind of magic. So that means I get to make it up and tell you how I use it, right?
HANK: Well, uh, yeah.
COLLIN: And it could magically grow in size if I throw it down a hill, so it can be a boulder that starts an avalanche and crushes the bad guys! There, that’s five.
HANK: Oookaaaay... thanks. Diana?
DIANA: Thanks, Hank. OK, Collin, suppose you found an amulet, inscribed “Property of Thragmar the Terrible,” glowing with an eerie green light on a pedestal in a creepy castle, what would you do?
COLLIN: I’d personally wonder what I was doing in a big creepy castle in the first place. Am I SUPPOSED to be there? If I am, I figure there must be something I was sent there to do and so I’d do it, but if not, sorry, but I think I’d have better places to be.
DIANA: Vague, but I guess that’s a good answer. Okay, Bobby!
BOBBY: Thanks, Diana! Okay, Collin, what if there was a bunch of orcs with spears chargin’ at ya, tryin’ to get the amulet? What wouldja do?
COLLIN: How many is a bunch? One orc, I bet I could take ’im. Maybe even two or three. But if there are more than that, well, I’ve been in wrestling long enough to be able to tell just by looking if an opponent is too much for me. And if they have spears, well, did you know I’m also one of the track and field team stars? I’ve got enough sense to know when to put that to use too.
BOBBY: OK. Sheila!
SHEILA: Thanks, Bobby. Collin, suppose it turned out that the amulet could either make Thragmar the Terrible into the most powerful wizard in the Realm, stop a dragon from destroying the creepy castle, or would send you home, what would you do?
COLLIN: Um... are you sure you read the question right? Seems like a no-brainer to me. Let the dragon destroy the creepy castle, let this Thragmar dude deal with not being the best wizard in the Realm. I’d be going home!
SHEILA: You’d be surprised at how many people don’t choose that...
ERIC: Yeah, or how many times we didn’t. OK, Collin — suppose this Thranduil guy shows up...
PRESTO: It’s THRAGMAR, Eric!
ERIC: ...That’s what I said, ok? — and says, “Ha-ha-ha, my young friends, how would you like to be turned into white mice?” What kind of dazzling repartee would you floor him with?
COLLIN: I’d say, “And how would you like that magic wand shoved right up your — ”
ERIC: WHOA! Okay, I think we get the point. [Laughter] Maybe not as dazzling as I would have come up with, but definitely, um, heartfelt and to the point. OK, Presto, let’s finish up with this guy — I need to go pick up my dry cleaning before the laundromat closes. I have to have my chain mail dry cleaned, you know, otherwise, it rusts!
[CRICKETS *Chirp*]
PRESTO: Um, yeah. Okay, hi, Collin! Now suppose that Thragmar the Terrible had been Dungeon Master in disguise all along — what sort of moral do you think he would come up with?
COLLIN: [Looks suspicious] What was Dungeon Master doing with all those rampaging orcs?
PRESTO: Huh?
COLLIN: The orcs, back in, uh, Bobby’s question. If this was some big set-up by Dungeon Master all along, why was he working with orcs? I thought he was supposed to be one of the good guys. Good guys don’t work with orcs.
PRESTO: Uh, they were good orcs?
COLLIN: No such thing.
[PRESTO looks desperately at ERIC.]
ERIC: Um, they were acting? Being paid to pretend to charge you?
COLLIN: I don’t think so. Orcs aren’t smart enough to make it look convincing if they’re just acting.
ERIC: Uh...
HANK: It was an illusion, Collin. The whole thing was a ruse from Dungeon Master, and the illusion ended as soon as he revealed who he was. There are illusionists in the Realm, after all. [Pointed look at Presto]
PRESTO [Embarrassed blush]: Yeah, I knew that.
COLLIN: Well, I guess that’s okay then. I don’t personally like the idea of some dumb set-up just to test a person’s character, but I suppose Dungeon Master has to make sure of who his champions are, so I guess that’s not too different from team try-outs.
TANN: Some excellent answers there, Collin. Good luck with the contest, and we’ll be right back! [Applause]
PRESTO: Hey! He didn’t answer my question! Hey! Wait...
[Commercial break.]
